Pure gratitude

Hello. I'm alive. I'm grateful. I'm a horrible blogger. :)

It's been a while since I've written. I often have inspiration to write but it doesn't seem to coincide with the time to do so. If I could connect my brain to the blog, it would be a done deal... and a scary outpouring, I am sure.

On this Thanksgiving eve, I spent a couple of hours prepping appetizers and desserts for tomorrow's feasting. With no TV or radio on, I did a lot of God-talking and brain-wandering. I enjoy hyphenated made-up words; can you tell?

Thankfulness doesn't seem to cover my emotions at the moment. Pure gratitude and awe might be more appropriate. I spent those hours tonight with no distractions other than messy hands and delicious tasting. It gave me time to reflect on the past year and beyond.

You may or may not know my/our story. My husband lost his job at the end of January this year. To be honest, I would love to coat it up for you and say it was part of the economy crisis/downsizing but I will instead be blunt and say it was for something much deeper. His position was taken from him when it never should have been and while we have seen justification for this over time, there are still deep wounds from the experience.

However, during what should have been complete chaos to us, God gave us such peace.
You see, we've been in this spot 3 times since February of 2008. Each time, there was more drama than your mama. :) All of the various experiences managed to teach us something greater than we could have imagined.
(Humanly, let me express at this point that all of this has totally sucked in its own ways as well but we really have ended up grateful for the journey along the bumpy way.)

One of the greatest gifts in our lives is our sweet daughter. Jillien brings us a joy and light that teaches us so very much about who God is in this world and the world to come. I am blessed to have been able to stay home with her since she was born 2 years ago (yes, she just turned 2! yikes!). We know that this is where God wants me and Stephen has been nothing but supportive in keeping me in the place we feel is right.
**On a side note, have I mentioned how amazing this man in my life is? I am so stinkin' thankful that he is my best friend and love of my life each and every crazy day that we have in our lil family.

We're not sure how we've made it through certain months financially, sometimes even physically & emotionally. Yet, when it passes, we look back and see how we were carried through it. We are both blessed with loving (mixed with a lil goofy & crazy) families and friends who have listened, encouraged and supported us through these times. God has created community for us to be cared for in the earthly way we need, even when God is big enough on His own. God's timing and handprints are on so many situations - it really is incredible.

We are still seeing the struggles in our finances due to the lack of integrity of others along his work routes - mixed with, of course, our own decisions throughout our young 20's (we're both oldies in our 30's now lol)... we continue to struggle with our emotions of bitterness and frustration from various circumstances... we will always have lots of 'what ifs' that will live unanswered... we long for God's assurance that we are making right decisions in choosing a church home, in work/school/home/finances for our family...

The reality for us this past year has been this: God never lets go. We are messy in so many ways yet he loves us beyond our comprehension and never leaves us in the midst of life's complicated chaos. For that, I'm a woman filled with pure gratitude and awe. It doesn't make sense in my human brain but OH how I'm thankful for it's truth in God's way.

Tonight when Jillien and I were in the car, I asked her what song she wanted to sing. After 2-3 'happy and you know it' rounds, she asked for "Dada song?" He often plays guitar and sings with her and she just adores it. One of her favorites is "How He loves us." My heart was full tonight when I heard a 2 year old voice of innocence singing"Oh How He loves us so, Oh how He loves us" from my backseat.

OH HOW HE LOVES US. In between and throughout all of life's mix of wonderful or crappy details, God loves us. When I'm eating turkey or playing with the kids or visiting with my extended family tomorrow, I hope I can be pushed to carry on the sense of pure gratitude and awe that I was gifted tonight.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. <3