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Sunday, November 4, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
My heart hurts
Yesterday, an old friend passed away. I shouldn't have to say those things at age 31. Moses was one of a kind in a lot of ways and I'm just beyond grateful that we reconnected in the years after high school.
I remember the days of good old Student Council with Moses, especially the summer before my junior year (his senior) and the summer school breakfast/snack serving. I looked up to him more than he knew at that time... but I am super thankful I got to tell him that a few years ago.
The last time I saw him, about a year ago, my daughter was small enough to look like a tiny baby doll when he held her. That wasn't necessarily hard to do as he was such a big guy anyway! The workout obsessed, tattoo-covered man was (as many have also said) a huge teddy bear. He had a heart of gold, a love for his daughter than was bigger than life itself and intelligence that he laced with lots of sarcasm and wit.
Life tossed him around a bit more than some knew but he always found a way to land on his feet. Even when he struggled with sadness, he managed a smile and put smiles on the faces of those by his side. When we reconnected, he was in another tough spot of transition in life. It was great to be able to remind him that others cared for him and were willing to help him when he would let them.
I found it crazy how we picked up as such good friends again and were able to chat about relationships, children and religion so openly. One of my fondest memories is the night we sat down together at Golden Corral over his plate of fried chicken and bounced around the Buddhism/Christianity conversation. I gained new respect for him through hearing his beliefs and he opened himself up to hear about the Christian faith. It was such a blessing to hear him say that was the first time he had such a conversation without it being weighed down with judgment... God really carried us through that experience and it will forever be etched as part of me.
The tears and sobs of last night and today have been so raw and real. My memories are replaying over & over. I loved the nights of dinner, playing pool, dancing or just hanging out with a friend without a worry in the world because no one would mess with me in the shadow of this man. I loved keeping up with this big guy when it came to Bud Lights that one night (9 in like 2 hours - no, not one of my finest moments but one with a lot of laughs)... one of the funniest memories between us.
You always go back and say "I wish I had..." when you lose someone unexpectedly. I have those "wish I had" things more recently. But I'm so glad my "wish I had" was fulfilled beyond our first level of friendship so many years ago. I will miss him so very much. I will miss his sweet comments on my baby girl's and my family's pictures on Facebook. I will miss his posts about giving people a "high five in the face" for their ridiculousness. I will miss seeing him with or in pictures with his daughter as she grows. I pray that he is at peace and that his daughter can see through others what a great man she calls her Daddy.
Hug those around you. Spend time with them. Appreciate their strengths & weaknesses. Love unconditionally. Give even when you don't have enough. Share yourself with others.
My heart hurts but I know Moses would want to see a smile on my face and would want me to throw out plenty of sarcasm... so watch out world!
I will always hold you dear in my heart, my friend. You are so loved and incredibly missed.
I remember the days of good old Student Council with Moses, especially the summer before my junior year (his senior) and the summer school breakfast/snack serving. I looked up to him more than he knew at that time... but I am super thankful I got to tell him that a few years ago.
The last time I saw him, about a year ago, my daughter was small enough to look like a tiny baby doll when he held her. That wasn't necessarily hard to do as he was such a big guy anyway! The workout obsessed, tattoo-covered man was (as many have also said) a huge teddy bear. He had a heart of gold, a love for his daughter than was bigger than life itself and intelligence that he laced with lots of sarcasm and wit.
Life tossed him around a bit more than some knew but he always found a way to land on his feet. Even when he struggled with sadness, he managed a smile and put smiles on the faces of those by his side. When we reconnected, he was in another tough spot of transition in life. It was great to be able to remind him that others cared for him and were willing to help him when he would let them.
I found it crazy how we picked up as such good friends again and were able to chat about relationships, children and religion so openly. One of my fondest memories is the night we sat down together at Golden Corral over his plate of fried chicken and bounced around the Buddhism/Christianity conversation. I gained new respect for him through hearing his beliefs and he opened himself up to hear about the Christian faith. It was such a blessing to hear him say that was the first time he had such a conversation without it being weighed down with judgment... God really carried us through that experience and it will forever be etched as part of me.
The tears and sobs of last night and today have been so raw and real. My memories are replaying over & over. I loved the nights of dinner, playing pool, dancing or just hanging out with a friend without a worry in the world because no one would mess with me in the shadow of this man. I loved keeping up with this big guy when it came to Bud Lights that one night (9 in like 2 hours - no, not one of my finest moments but one with a lot of laughs)... one of the funniest memories between us.
You always go back and say "I wish I had..." when you lose someone unexpectedly. I have those "wish I had" things more recently. But I'm so glad my "wish I had" was fulfilled beyond our first level of friendship so many years ago. I will miss him so very much. I will miss his sweet comments on my baby girl's and my family's pictures on Facebook. I will miss his posts about giving people a "high five in the face" for their ridiculousness. I will miss seeing him with or in pictures with his daughter as she grows. I pray that he is at peace and that his daughter can see through others what a great man she calls her Daddy.
Hug those around you. Spend time with them. Appreciate their strengths & weaknesses. Love unconditionally. Give even when you don't have enough. Share yourself with others.
My heart hurts but I know Moses would want to see a smile on my face and would want me to throw out plenty of sarcasm... so watch out world!
I will always hold you dear in my heart, my friend. You are so loved and incredibly missed.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Pure gratitude
Hello. I'm alive. I'm grateful. I'm a horrible blogger. :)
It's been a while since I've written. I often have inspiration to write but it doesn't seem to coincide with the time to do so. If I could connect my brain to the blog, it would be a done deal... and a scary outpouring, I am sure.
On this Thanksgiving eve, I spent a couple of hours prepping appetizers and desserts for tomorrow's feasting. With no TV or radio on, I did a lot of God-talking and brain-wandering. I enjoy hyphenated made-up words; can you tell?
Thankfulness doesn't seem to cover my emotions at the moment. Pure gratitude and awe might be more appropriate. I spent those hours tonight with no distractions other than messy hands and delicious tasting. It gave me time to reflect on the past year and beyond.
You may or may not know my/our story. My husband lost his job at the end of January this year. To be honest, I would love to coat it up for you and say it was part of the economy crisis/downsizing but I will instead be blunt and say it was for something much deeper. His position was taken from him when it never should have been and while we have seen justification for this over time, there are still deep wounds from the experience.
However, during what should have been complete chaos to us, God gave us such peace.
You see, we've been in this spot 3 times since February of 2008. Each time, there was more drama than your mama. :) All of the various experiences managed to teach us something greater than we could have imagined.
(Humanly, let me express at this point that all of this has totally sucked in its own ways as well but we really have ended up grateful for the journey along the bumpy way.)
One of the greatest gifts in our lives is our sweet daughter. Jillien brings us a joy and light that teaches us so very much about who God is in this world and the world to come. I am blessed to have been able to stay home with her since she was born 2 years ago (yes, she just turned 2! yikes!). We know that this is where God wants me and Stephen has been nothing but supportive in keeping me in the place we feel is right.
**On a side note, have I mentioned how amazing this man in my life is? I am so stinkin' thankful that he is my best friend and love of my life each and every crazy day that we have in our lil family.
We're not sure how we've made it through certain months financially, sometimes even physically & emotionally. Yet, when it passes, we look back and see how we were carried through it. We are both blessed with loving (mixed with a lil goofy & crazy) families and friends who have listened, encouraged and supported us through these times. God has created community for us to be cared for in the earthly way we need, even when God is big enough on His own. God's timing and handprints are on so many situations - it really is incredible.
We are still seeing the struggles in our finances due to the lack of integrity of others along his work routes - mixed with, of course, our own decisions throughout our young 20's (we're both oldies in our 30's now lol)... we continue to struggle with our emotions of bitterness and frustration from various circumstances... we will always have lots of 'what ifs' that will live unanswered... we long for God's assurance that we are making right decisions in choosing a church home, in work/school/home/finances for our family...
The reality for us this past year has been this: God never lets go. We are messy in so many ways yet he loves us beyond our comprehension and never leaves us in the midst of life's complicated chaos. For that, I'm a woman filled with pure gratitude and awe. It doesn't make sense in my human brain but OH how I'm thankful for it's truth in God's way.
Tonight when Jillien and I were in the car, I asked her what song she wanted to sing. After 2-3 'happy and you know it' rounds, she asked for "Dada song?" He often plays guitar and sings with her and she just adores it. One of her favorites is "How He loves us." My heart was full tonight when I heard a 2 year old voice of innocence singing"Oh How He loves us so, Oh how He loves us" from my backseat.
OH HOW HE LOVES US. In between and throughout all of life's mix of wonderful or crappy details, God loves us. When I'm eating turkey or playing with the kids or visiting with my extended family tomorrow, I hope I can be pushed to carry on the sense of pure gratitude and awe that I was gifted tonight.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. <3
It's been a while since I've written. I often have inspiration to write but it doesn't seem to coincide with the time to do so. If I could connect my brain to the blog, it would be a done deal... and a scary outpouring, I am sure.
On this Thanksgiving eve, I spent a couple of hours prepping appetizers and desserts for tomorrow's feasting. With no TV or radio on, I did a lot of God-talking and brain-wandering. I enjoy hyphenated made-up words; can you tell?
Thankfulness doesn't seem to cover my emotions at the moment. Pure gratitude and awe might be more appropriate. I spent those hours tonight with no distractions other than messy hands and delicious tasting. It gave me time to reflect on the past year and beyond.
You may or may not know my/our story. My husband lost his job at the end of January this year. To be honest, I would love to coat it up for you and say it was part of the economy crisis/downsizing but I will instead be blunt and say it was for something much deeper. His position was taken from him when it never should have been and while we have seen justification for this over time, there are still deep wounds from the experience.
However, during what should have been complete chaos to us, God gave us such peace.
You see, we've been in this spot 3 times since February of 2008. Each time, there was more drama than your mama. :) All of the various experiences managed to teach us something greater than we could have imagined.
(Humanly, let me express at this point that all of this has totally sucked in its own ways as well but we really have ended up grateful for the journey along the bumpy way.)
One of the greatest gifts in our lives is our sweet daughter. Jillien brings us a joy and light that teaches us so very much about who God is in this world and the world to come. I am blessed to have been able to stay home with her since she was born 2 years ago (yes, she just turned 2! yikes!). We know that this is where God wants me and Stephen has been nothing but supportive in keeping me in the place we feel is right.
**On a side note, have I mentioned how amazing this man in my life is? I am so stinkin' thankful that he is my best friend and love of my life each and every crazy day that we have in our lil family.
We're not sure how we've made it through certain months financially, sometimes even physically & emotionally. Yet, when it passes, we look back and see how we were carried through it. We are both blessed with loving (mixed with a lil goofy & crazy) families and friends who have listened, encouraged and supported us through these times. God has created community for us to be cared for in the earthly way we need, even when God is big enough on His own. God's timing and handprints are on so many situations - it really is incredible.
We are still seeing the struggles in our finances due to the lack of integrity of others along his work routes - mixed with, of course, our own decisions throughout our young 20's (we're both oldies in our 30's now lol)... we continue to struggle with our emotions of bitterness and frustration from various circumstances... we will always have lots of 'what ifs' that will live unanswered... we long for God's assurance that we are making right decisions in choosing a church home, in work/school/home/finances for our family...
The reality for us this past year has been this: God never lets go. We are messy in so many ways yet he loves us beyond our comprehension and never leaves us in the midst of life's complicated chaos. For that, I'm a woman filled with pure gratitude and awe. It doesn't make sense in my human brain but OH how I'm thankful for it's truth in God's way.
Tonight when Jillien and I were in the car, I asked her what song she wanted to sing. After 2-3 'happy and you know it' rounds, she asked for "Dada song?" He often plays guitar and sings with her and she just adores it. One of her favorites is "How He loves us." My heart was full tonight when I heard a 2 year old voice of innocence singing"Oh How He loves us so, Oh how He loves us" from my backseat.
OH HOW HE LOVES US. In between and throughout all of life's mix of wonderful or crappy details, God loves us. When I'm eating turkey or playing with the kids or visiting with my extended family tomorrow, I hope I can be pushed to carry on the sense of pure gratitude and awe that I was gifted tonight.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. <3
Saturday, March 26, 2011
A lucky penny?
Today I got to have a little "me" time with a massage due to a membership that Stephen bought for me as a 30th birthday gift in September. I thoroughly needed some down time and definitely enjoyed it... the lines on my face from almost falling asleep on the table were proof of my appreciation. I also ran a few errands while Jilly napped and played with Daddy.
While I was out, I came across a penny on the ground. As usual, I checked to see if it was face up and I had a scene from Grease pop into mind: "See a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck." WOW, I've seen that movie too many times. :)
I thought, "HMPHHH, we sure could use some good luck, I ought to grab it." But something stopped me. Yes, this all sounds like it happened really slowly and you are thinking, what is her deal about this penny, SHEESH?!!
Well, something just struck me while I grinned about this encounter with a heads-up penny and left it there for someone else to find. God's in our corner. No preaching, no soapboxes, no exaggerations... there is NO way Stephen and I should be making the day-to-day living that we are doing right now. The stay-at-home-mom-retired-youth-minister and the unfortunately-laid-off-still-job-searching-man are unbelievably surviving with keeping on top of bills (including a mortgage that is the amount of 2.5 weeks of unemployment checks). The math really doesn't add up.
Yes, we are in a much *healthier* financial place than a few years ago. Many debts paid off. Savings built up. Side business earnings doing well. I thank God for the things that led us to the sentences prior to this one. We really became a team and tackled spending, debt, wants & needs, worked hard and depended more on the One we should have been hanging onto all along.
No, things are not perfect. Texas Children's Hospital may hate us for a handful of Jillien's eye surgery bills that are just going to have to wait a little while longer. I spend a lot of time planning coupons and meals... and it doesn't always work it out the way we'd hoped. We still struggle with daily wants vs. needs. It's not perfect because we're not perfect.
Our families have our backs but other than FABULOUSLY AND GRACIOUSLY taking us out for meals or bringing us food to break up the monotony, we haven't had to ask for much other than support, encouragement and prayers.
The math just doesn't add up. Granted, the Hailey household isn't *known* for our super-duper mathematical skills anyway. :) But that penny today reminded me that God is bigger than. Yep, I meant the sentence to end there. God is bigger than. God's in our corner and the story about the loaves & fishes is our story too. Thanks be to God. "Eh-meh." Amen in Jillien's words. :)
P.S. Here is an adorable picture just for your enjoyment. HA! She loooves to color now and it's so cute to watch!
While I was out, I came across a penny on the ground. As usual, I checked to see if it was face up and I had a scene from Grease pop into mind: "See a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck." WOW, I've seen that movie too many times. :)
I thought, "HMPHHH, we sure could use some good luck, I ought to grab it." But something stopped me. Yes, this all sounds like it happened really slowly and you are thinking, what is her deal about this penny, SHEESH?!!
Well, something just struck me while I grinned about this encounter with a heads-up penny and left it there for someone else to find. God's in our corner. No preaching, no soapboxes, no exaggerations... there is NO way Stephen and I should be making the day-to-day living that we are doing right now. The stay-at-home-mom-retired-youth-minister and the unfortunately-laid-off-still-job-searching-man are unbelievably surviving with keeping on top of bills (including a mortgage that is the amount of 2.5 weeks of unemployment checks). The math really doesn't add up.
Yes, we are in a much *healthier* financial place than a few years ago. Many debts paid off. Savings built up. Side business earnings doing well. I thank God for the things that led us to the sentences prior to this one. We really became a team and tackled spending, debt, wants & needs, worked hard and depended more on the One we should have been hanging onto all along.
No, things are not perfect. Texas Children's Hospital may hate us for a handful of Jillien's eye surgery bills that are just going to have to wait a little while longer. I spend a lot of time planning coupons and meals... and it doesn't always work it out the way we'd hoped. We still struggle with daily wants vs. needs. It's not perfect because we're not perfect.
Our families have our backs but other than FABULOUSLY AND GRACIOUSLY taking us out for meals or bringing us food to break up the monotony, we haven't had to ask for much other than support, encouragement and prayers.
The math just doesn't add up. Granted, the Hailey household isn't *known* for our super-duper mathematical skills anyway. :) But that penny today reminded me that God is bigger than. Yep, I meant the sentence to end there. God is bigger than. God's in our corner and the story about the loaves & fishes is our story too. Thanks be to God. "Eh-meh." Amen in Jillien's words. :)
P.S. Here is an adorable picture just for your enjoyment. HA! She loooves to color now and it's so cute to watch!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Life as we know it... for now
So I haven't blogged in months. Once that little girl of ours started walking, it has been non-stop but in a wonderful, fun, exciting way! She's talking up a storm, discovering everything around her, running around all over the place and filling our days with lots of joy & laughter.
Life took an interesting turn two weeks ago when I got a call from the love of my life telling me that his company had laid him off. We've been down that road before but not on one salary. Today was the start of no more paychecks from them, no longer being covered by insurance and a LOT of hope for the future.
I don't know how to say much without giving details that I shouldn't give about a place that I have little... ok, NO... trust in. 80% of the people he worked with are genuine, hard-working and ethical. Is that me finding the positive? I would rather say that than tell you about my feelings, knowledge and emotions toward the other 20% involved.
We know that God will hold us through this... we just aren't sure what that means right now. We always have landed on our feet and in a better place in so many ways. I'm sure that will be the case once again but don't know what lessons, struggles and adventures are ahead for us. I just know that I'm grateful we have a faith that lets us doubt, lean and praise along the way.
I posted on Facebook tonight: "" it is not an insult on those with money but hurled instead at those who choose to not walk with integrity when acquiring such riches.
I'm thankful this day after Valentine's Day that we spent a whole $1.08 on a balloon at the Dollar Tree for my daughter to enjoy ("boon! boon!" one of her faves!) and that my hunny used the rest of a gift card to surprise me with a Sonic ice cream treat. I would be thankful if there was nothing. I would be thankful if there was more. I am thankful because God has blessed us with a wonderful family, including the love of my life and my baby sweetheart (her name even means sweetheart!!). No extravagance here, just the simplicity of the daily love that I am so grateful for and often take for granted!!
Life took an interesting turn two weeks ago when I got a call from the love of my life telling me that his company had laid him off. We've been down that road before but not on one salary. Today was the start of no more paychecks from them, no longer being covered by insurance and a LOT of hope for the future.I don't know how to say much without giving details that I shouldn't give about a place that I have little... ok, NO... trust in. 80% of the people he worked with are genuine, hard-working and ethical. Is that me finding the positive? I would rather say that than tell you about my feelings, knowledge and emotions toward the other 20% involved.
We know that God will hold us through this... we just aren't sure what that means right now. We always have landed on our feet and in a better place in so many ways. I'm sure that will be the case once again but don't know what lessons, struggles and adventures are ahead for us. I just know that I'm grateful we have a faith that lets us doubt, lean and praise along the way.
I posted on Facebook tonight: "" it is not an insult on those with money but hurled instead at those who choose to not walk with integrity when acquiring such riches.
I'm thankful this day after Valentine's Day that we spent a whole $1.08 on a balloon at the Dollar Tree for my daughter to enjoy ("boon! boon!" one of her faves!) and that my hunny used the rest of a gift card to surprise me with a Sonic ice cream treat. I would be thankful if there was nothing. I would be thankful if there was more. I am thankful because God has blessed us with a wonderful family, including the love of my life and my baby sweetheart (her name even means sweetheart!!). No extravagance here, just the simplicity of the daily love that I am so grateful for and often take for granted!!
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